


he accepts his death

by mattiebluebird (ScarlettBond)



Series: Raphael Santiago saved himself [1]
Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Canon - Book, Character Study, Raphael Santiago Has Feelings, Raphael Santiago saved himself, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:22:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23225506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarlettBond/pseuds/mattiebluebird
Summary: Raphael Santiago is fifteen years old, and he isdead.
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Raphael Santiago
Series: Raphael Santiago saved himself [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1702666
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	he accepts his death

_"What my family believes doesn't matter. It's what_ I _believe. What I know. A true vampire knows that he is dead. He accepts his death."_ _-Raphael Santiago, City of Glass_

* * *

Raphael Santiago is fifteen years old, and he is _dead_.

He can _feel_ it, in his chest where his heart should be beating, in his veins, in his very _skin_ , pale from lack of sunlight. 

When Raphael was alive, he knew how to keep his emotions in check, but now he feels too much: confusion and desperation and despair and rage all held back by a fragile dam of shock. Strange, isn't it, that he feels more now that he is dead than he did when he was living?

Raphael craves blood. He has never known hunger like this, not even when he'd gone three days without food when they were low on money. It is in more than his stomach: it burns in his veins and in his _fangs_ , razor-sharp, the undeniable mark of a predator. He finds himself unconsciously hunting, sizing up everyone he sees as a possible meal; his mouth waters at the sight of red.

He begs for forgiveness, but he cannot say _Dios_. He tries, attempting to force the word out of his throat and past his lips for hours on end.

_D-_

_D-_

_D-_

For months, he does not make it past the first letter.

He cannot walk in sunlight. He knows this because he walked into Magnus' kitchen during the day and the light through the window burned him. It felt like hellfire blazing across his skin, a divine punishment, and maybe-

 _Maybe he deserved this_ -

And that's when the dam broke, and all was drowned in an ocean of pain. He is _dead,_ he is a _vampire_ , he is _unholy-_

He is a _monster._

And Raphael decides to finish what he walked into the Dumont for: kill the vampire. Kill the _monster_.

He wears his crucifix, not ignoring the way it scorched his skin but instead embracing it, embracing the pain - _it's only what he deserves_ \- and he steps into the sunlight.

He is saved at the last possible moment by Magnus Bane.

Raphael feels too much, and he finds that sometimes the emotions cancel each other out, like water meeting fire and turning to steam. Raphael is dead, and for the first time he _feels_ dead, like a corpse that's been buried for so long it's forgotten how to care, or maybe like a skeleton picked clean by scavengers and bleached white by the desert sun.

"How?" He ask, one day, out of the blue. Magnus stops and looks at him, and Raphael realizes his mistake. By speaking, by asking, by indicating he still _cared,_ he has given Magnus false hope. Maybe he is giving himself false hope, too.

Magnus understands what he is asking: _How do I continue?_ He squeezes Raphael's shoulder, and Raphael is too numb to push him away. "Learn to roll with the punches. It makes everything easier."

Raphael pushes forward. He does it for his mother, who would surely hate what he'd become. He does it so one day he could see her without wanting to rip out her throat. He practices, wearing his crucifix and walking on holy ground and trying for _hours_ to say the name of God. He wants _perfection,_ will settle for nothing less, because Raphael Santiago does not just roll with the punches; he uses their momentum to launch right into another attack.

_D-_

_Di-_

_Di-_

_Dio-_

_Dios._

And the first time he says it, it _burns,_ a fire poker rammed down his throat, and he can almost _taste_ the blood in his mouth, but he doesn't care. He _can't,_ because he said it, he said _Dios,_ and maybe, just _maybe_ he is not damned or deserving of punishment.

Raphael goes to see his mother. She hugs him, and he can't help it- he cries. No one told him he would cry tears of blood. 

She sees the blood flowing from his eyes and is afraid- afraid of _him_. Raphael had to _encanto_ her in order to calm her down. He feels so much, too much, and that was nearly his downfall.

He pushes on. Practices more. Sends his mother letters when he feels he deserves it, which is not very often. He stays with the New York vampire clan and quickly becomes second-in-command (because Raphael does not just roll with his punches).

Raphael is _dead_. He can feel it, but he no longer ignores or denies the feeling. He takes it in stride and uses it to his advantage; he builds influence among Downworld, makes connections, uses his fangs and his strength to intimidate and threaten when needed.

But on Sundays he wears his crucifix and visits his family. The side of him that craves blood is as much _him_ as the side of him that cried in his mother's arms, and he accepts that.

Six months after he stepped into the sunlight intending to end his life, Raphael Santiago says _Dios_.

It does not burn.


End file.
